every tragedy needs a witch,
someone to blame
i am the witch

i am sad for her and sorry for you,
i think it odd you consider yourselves
such dear friends of his

suicide or murder, it is all just talk
you have your paintings, bits and pieces
she has her anger and the name
i am going away and i have the most
i have his love
which he showered upon me
and i have his eternal soul
which he willing gave me

so squabble and talk
till your tongues stiffen
for i am gone with my beloved
and i pity the 4 of you
i bless you for this heartless attack on me
i bless you for the renewal of the same
let it be said then that
i am the witch in this tragedy

wolfgang is free now and
i will watch over him forevermore
Evangeline

The Dream

"In visions of the dark night
I have dream'd of joy departed —
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken hearted..."
Edgar Allan Poe

Tower

To be loved by him is to be complete.
My heart is overflowing with memories,
satin and silk and softest cashmere,
obscure moments in hidden corners,
beds of damp green moss in the woods,
I offered that which he asked of me;
to believe in him, to be near,
to yield to his desire..

I am so cold.
I abandoned him in his love of me.
Fiercely jealous;
I felt I gave him no cause.

Am I to tread the streets alone?
To stand at the'end of the world'
where first he kissed my hand?
Where is the comfort of my stone tower now?
How proud and aloof I have been;
with my moral holier than thou code.

I deny myself seeing his body one last time,
I yearn to be tormented till my last breath...
for him to stand behind me,
evermore
out of reach,
would be kinder even,
than the empty coldness that entombs me...

My soul cries for his company...
I will not seek, I do not deserve
nor do I wish for relief in my wretchedness.
Yesterday I walked in the cold wet wind,
my velvet coat unbuttoned,
my silk blouse damp with rain,
I was numb with cold and felt alive.
I know now, I will always be cold.

Evangeline

What would you do if I were in your arms right now?

If I offered you my wine glass,

would you take a big mouthful;

and kissing me,

trickle the red syrup down my throat?

We could pretend it was blood,

and I, Angelina Jolie.

Evangeline

Non-intervention

"I never think I am the one
who must see to it
that cherries grow on stalks.
I stand and behold,
admiring what nature can do."
Jung

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher
than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E.E. Cummings

Have I offended and caused you great pain?
Why won't you talk with me?
Is it because of the trifling rain,
that you can't walk with me?
Am I impatient, an endless refrain,
over and over I hear your voice calling
me, calling my name.

Evangeline

No-one would suspect I yearn for anything,
for that is the independent face
I present to others.
I never venture from my home
unless I feel confidently in control
of my emotions and general behaviour.
I appear to be managing very well,

no-one could imagine

the streams of tears inside.

Evangeline

Every fragment of myself is being re-ordered,

balancing a deeper instinct.

Evangeline

A Letter of Sorts.

So my darling what shall I say?
What marvelous intrigues will happen today?
Shall I tell you some truth or stories I've read,
or perhaps some more of what's in my head.
Hmm, where to begin...

I think that in essence you long to be free,
to swim the long river till you reach the sea,
the cool salty water soothing your skin,
protecting and coating with droplets of foam,
with firm gentle strokes of seaweeds and stone.
To choose the white water and wild river raging,
will cause you to smile;
yet so does to bask and float on your back,
to feel the tides pulling and pushing you,
this way and that:
and still remain free.
The tide is within you, deep down inside,
and only you know where you need to glide,
the deep sea gulfs, the gentle lagoon,
to shimmer in sunlight and shine under moon.
What more can I tell you watery man?
Your world is older than elfin dreams,
older than time,
older than legends we hear of in rhyme.
Will you lead me through the murky depths,
to rise on the waves and harness the crests?
Will you hold me near in your watery world
and share with me secrets of sand, shells and pearl?
I can only stay for the shortest of time,
I'm a stranger in your world as you are in mine.
Evangeline
*****

Eleonora

"But the void within my heart refused,
even thus, to be filled.
I longed for the love which had before
filled it to overflowing."
Edgar Allan Poe

There are those who believe

I have little depth and no feeling.

I understand their bafflement

upon finding I too, bleed.

Evangeline

One of my deepest longings is this; to be loved for myself, for this is who I truly am; myself. Over years I have forgotten how desperately I need to be loved. I cried aloud to the dark, “please love me”, there was no reply, no stir of air, no cool touch against my burning cheek, only silence.

Evangeline

New whispers of feeling are beginning to stir within my heart.

The moment is complex and full of changes, questions arise.

I feel wild and dark and vulnerable, and light and gentle and free: a paradox?

Yes, for both statements together are true.

Evangeline

Jane Eyre

"I must dislike those who, whatever I do to please them, persist in disliking me. I must resist those who punish me unjustly. It is as natural as that I should love those who show me affection, or submit to punishment when I feel it is deserved."
Charlotte Bronte

Hymn

"Oh, the love of my Lord is the essence
Of all that I love here on earth.
All the beauty I see, He has given to me,
And his giving is gentle as silence.

Every day, every hour, every moment,
Have been blessed by the strength of His love.
At the turn of each tide, He is there at my side,
And his touch is as gentle as silence.

There've been times when I've turned from his presence,
And I've walked other paths, other ways,
But I've called on his name, in the dark of my shame
And his mercy was gentle as silence."

I can see the value of happiness while accepting it is not everything.
I can see the value of success, without blowing a gasket being a "workaholic".
I can see the value of seizing opportunity as well as helping others.
I can recognize the value of love, as perhaps the most powerful motivator of all.
The search for meaning is personal!

Evangeline

Is there something more?

The vague, mysterious longing for meaning,
questions what gives a life purpose and value.
The quest for meaning is a personal,
empowering, and uplifting journey.
I think if the meaning of life were not a mystery,
if leading meaningful lives was not within the power of us all,
then we might tend to miss
the many opportunities in which life can have purpose.

Evangeline

A kiss for your thoughts.

A Feather in the Wind

There was a time I fully believed that a home and affection could make

life tolerable and that should I ever find myself deprived of these, my existence would be unendurable and indeed short lived.

I lost my dearest friends and my beloved to the mystery of death.

Not to death did I lose the husband of my youth, but to folly!

My misery was not such as to break my tie with and enthusiasm for life, as years passed I was not so miserable as I had supposed; although I have been determined to remain independent of social intercourse, and have delighted in the circumstance of being so impracticable to reach that none have tried!

I have felt as a feather in the wind.

I know nothing of what happiness lies before me for I am only now commencing my journey. For ten years I struggled weak and wretched in solitude, and 3 days following my birthday in January I found myself compelled to rouse myself to animation.

My spirit revived I find I am taking great pleasure in contemplating the new life I am entering.

I harbour a deep longing to be found.

“Be calm, yes stay calm, whatever happens”, I am saying within.

I pondered in the garden today; well I wondered in secret whether we should ever meet; or only share a glimpse of the other passing by.

I went so far as to wonder whether I ought ask your situation.

I feel an imperative craving for just such an indulgence, must I restrain and swallow my feelings?

Is it foolish to wish for the pleasure of gazing into a beautiful face?

Might I disclose other thoughts, delve much deeper?

Of my feelings, I cannot seek or obtain sympathy from anyone, but find relief from a secret source of consolation, more soothing, more obtainable, more penetrating and encompassing than any mortal can hope to offer; words.

I am flushed with excitement as I share these few words with you.

I could go on for years!

Such are some of my reflections.

*****

Evangeline

Meaning?

What is the meaning of life?
It is a question that has intrigued the great philosophers
and the Monty Python team.
Is the whole idea just a little absurd?

Is there any one profound and mysterious meaning to life;

a single ultimate purpose behind the human existence?
Can meaning be gained through serving humanity,
being happy, being successful,
living each day as if it were the last,
and freeing your mind
from the enforced insanity of civilized society?
Evangeline